You’d think that talking to people face to face would be by far the easiest way to communicate, wouldn’t you, and that can be true. But did you know that according to Professor Albert Mehrabian only 7% of the actual words we speak make up the communication, with 38% being the way we say what we say, and a massive 55% body language.

What that means is for your communication to ring true, your message, the way you convey it and how you feel about it have to be aligned.

If for example you say “I’m really OK with this!” but you’re avoiding eye-contact and looking stressed, the person you are talking to will probably realise that you’re saying one thing and meaning something else.

This knowledge may be a bit worrying and make you feel rather exposed, knowing that people can read your communication so easily, and if it does, what can you do to make your communications feel more comfortable?

Here are a few tips I’ve found work for me and my clients.

1. Listen with awareness. When you find yourself drifting away, consciously bring yourself back.

2. If you’re not really interested in what’s being said but you know you can’t escape, act as if it is really interesting. Tell yourself there’s something to learn and make a point of sitting and leaning forward, or if you’re standing lean in slightly (but not invading the other person’s space), keeping eye contact, asking a question if appropriate. You might be surprised to note that the subject was more interesting than you thought it would be.

3. To help you concentrate, listen for three things that you can either reflect back to the person you’re talking to or note for yourself. This will give you a focus of interest.

4. Smile - if you want people to talk to you, scowling with your arms crossed is not attractive.

5. Keep practising - the more you work on making your body language match what you say and the way you say it, the easier it will get.

Of course, it’s all about rapport but this time it’s about being in rapport with yourself!

In any speech or presentation, your body language adds power to the message. It support what your words are saying. The operative word here is, of course, “support”. Body language must be in tune with the message. And the corollary is that body language must also not distract or detract from the message. If they are denying each other, then your presentation will fail.

Confidence and sincerity are the absolute basis for this process. If your body is declaring that you are not sincere in what you are saying then your credibility decreases and there is no way your message will have the impact it should have. Think about the tone of your message. Is it relaxed, conversational? Then make your body language relaxed. Is it passionate, strong and powerful, then create body language that conveys that power. Is it alert and enthusiastic, then your body language will be upright and reflecting that enthusiasm.

You also need to be aware that your gestures can support or detract from your message. Learn to become aware of what your hands are doing while you speak. If necessary, make yourself hold them still. Many people have habits that are terribly distracting and yet they aren’t aware of what they are doing. They click or twiddle a pen, play with their hair or their clothes, hold a microphone with fingers unconsciously making a rude gesture, take glasses on and off, put hands in pockets and take them out. All of these things are not necessarily detrimental in themselves, if the audience is absolutely focused on the speaker and the message. But if there is any reason for the audience’s attention to stray (and we all have short attention spans) then they will become fascinated, at best, and possibly annoyed at whatever it is that the speaker is doing with their hands.

If, on the other hand, (my pun!!), those hands are working to support the speech, they will bring the attention back to the message. They will also give power to the impact of the message.

Natural gestures are basically the aim. If you are not a natural gesturer, your body will support your message. It is necessary to be aware that you are not repeating the same gesture many times. It may add emphasis the first time, but after that it will distract as much as the others mentioned earlier. Watch television journalists and sooner or later you will notice this.

You can also practice gestures. Join a public speaking club (and I recommend ITC), where you can practise in a supportive environment until you are comfortable, and confident that your gestures are not detracting from your message.

Of course, there are many books and websites with information about body language and gestures. Basically:

• Gestures above shoulder level support messages about things that are spiritual or uplifting (a church minister will raise his hands in blessing).
• Ordinary messages are supported by gestures at the middle level of your body.
• Things that are despicable or degrading or debilitating are supported by gestures below the waist.

You can use your palms. Held out, palm upwards, they support supplication, requesting a response, or openness. They can be used to indicate division if held vertically with the little finger down. Using a fist is a very powerful gesture. It indicates strong power and passion, and may also be used as a threat. Be careful with that. Take care, too, with pointing with a finger. People don’t respond well to accusation or to being singled out, so be sure your gesture supports your message.

Your clothes, too, can distract attention from your message. If you have a very bright or unusual item of clothing, if your scarf or tie flaps in a breeze, if your earrings dangle or click, or your necklace or tie pin clicks on a microphone, the audience will be distracted from your message. Again, unless your message is absolutely riveting, your clothes will become the centre of attention just as gestures can, and your message will lose its impact.

How you stand and walk works in just the same way. If you are a passionate speaker who simply cannot stand still, then hopefully you will support the passion of your message. Try to use standing still to give the same sort of impact that a pause in the middle of rapid speech would give. If you choose to move or change position just to provide relief because you think your speech is boring; be careful. It may be that your movement will have more impact than your massage. Timing can help so that you change position with a new idea or with a new visual support. Try to make all of your body language work with the movement. So, for example, if you want to walk to give the impression of thinking of a new idea, then set your hand up to your face to indicate thoughtfulness, and speak slowly or stop speaking altogether.

Facial expression, too, must be in harmony with your message, or it will work against it, just as your body language does.

Everything - body language, image and message must work together to create the impact you have chosen.

You’ve probably heard the expressions before.. “Chin up, shoulders back,” “Keep your distance,” “Feet on the ground,” “Pain in the neck.” But have you ever wondered how they came about? It all has to do with Body Language.

Simply put, body language is the unspoken communication we all use in every face-to-face encounter with other human beings. You could say it’s more powerful than anything said aloud. Ninety-three per cent of our everyday communications is non-verbal. Only 7% has to do with words at all. You could be telling that other person much more with your body language than you would ever say in words.

Determining and regulating your own body language could well mean the difference when it comes to job interviews, networking meetings, banquets and business dinners, or even a social occasion, such as a date. Even trickier is learning to read and understand the other person’s body language.

So, you’re probably asking yourself, “How do I regulate my body language to give a true representation of how I feel when I interact with others?”

Start with the distance between you and the person with whom you’re speaking. If you get too close, people feel you’re in their face, or too pushy. Too far away, and you could be seen as standoffish.

The angle of your body is a dead giveaway to others. We tend to angle our body towards those people we find friendly or interesting, and angle away from those we feel are cold or unfriendly. Crossing your arms over your chest shows defensiveness. This posture says, “I’m closed off and keeping you out.”

Eye Contact is one of the most important ways to communicate with others. Looking them in the eye shows respect and interest. We’ve all experienced the person who looks constantly at their watch, or seems to be far away and not listening to us. Their body language says, “I have other places to be and other more interesting people to talk to than you.” Or the person that you know is not listening to what you’re saying, but instead is busy deciding what he/she will say next. Someone whose eyes are downcast, not looking you in the eye could be exhibiting signs of shyness, or it could be deceit. Someone who is lying to you will not look you in the eye.

The head position also says a lot. To show confidence or authority, simply keep your head level. This says, “Take me seriously, my words are important.” To show friendliness and interest in what the other person is saying, tilt your head slightly to one side or the other.

Mouth movements are easy clues to what the other person may be feeling. If they purse their lips or twist them, they could be thinking carefully about what you just said, or disagreeing with you, but holding back comment. You can certainly tell when someone is not pleased.

The handshake is extremely important in the communication with others. No one wants to shake a hand like a wet noodle; at the same time, a handshake needn’t be a contest of strength. It’s a handshake, not arm wrestling. Many people also don’t quite know what to do with their hands after the handshake, especially when meeting someone new. They tend to clasp their hands together, nervously, or fiddle with their jewelry.

Since we’re constantly sending out these powerful messages, it’s clear we should make an effort to learn more about what our bodies say to others. And learning what others are really saying to us is of paramount importance in our day-to-day communications.

So, chin up, shoulders back, keep your distance, head up, eyes sharp, don’t be pushy or standoffish, smile and shake that hand. You too can learn to speak fluent body language.

Body language is a critical element in how one is perceived by others. It can affect job interviews, winning a client, or even making it to a second date. Our posture and gestures project a positive/negative energy that gives observers cues to how we may think or feel. Its how your friends know something is wrong without even asking. Because we are not often aware of our body language it’s easy to unintentionally send the wrong message.

I was recently lost in a new part of town. I saw a woman coming down the street, but I was hesitant to ask for her help as she looked very cross. With few people in sight, I had little choice but to approach her. When I spoke to her, the transformation was magical. Her slumped shoulders shifted, and with kind words and a smile she told me everything I needed to know. I left thinking to myself how I could have almost passed her by. The unfortunate thing is that many opportunities can pass us by because not everyone will stop to take a chance. You can’t run after your boss screaming “Please give me that promotion! My body language reflects negative energy, but I’m really a nice person!” Look at the examples below, which employee would you promote?

Employee #1 Making eye contact, relaxed unfolded arms

Employee #2 Avoiding eye contact, crossed arms

Quick Tips:

Before you walk through a doorway, pause and become aware of your body language. Are you slumping? Are you frowning? Your existence on this earth is not by accident. You have a right to be here, a right to be respected, and your posture should reflect this. When you walk your back should be straight, head up, and energy in your step. This simple motion will create a positive aura that’s contagious to those around you, as well as reflect inner confidence.

Have you ever stood and watched a long queue of people. It makes no difference why they are waiting; just standing, waiting is boring, and those waiting come across as bland, boring people.

That’s exactly how your characters will appear without some ‘character traits’. They need personality, distinctive dialogue, and their own unique body language.

Body language is basically the ‘gestures’ used by people or characters. For instance, when someone nods or shakes their head, that’s body language. When they purse their lips, it’s body language, and when they throw their arms up in the air in frustration, that’s also body language. Each and every character should have their own individual set of gestures and expressive signals etc.

Perhaps your heroine braces her shoulders when she’s mad. Or maybe she does it when she’s preparing for an argument. In my novel “Saving Emma” the heroine (Emma Larkin) refuses to make eye contact when she is trying to hide something, and licks her lips when she’s nervous.

Your hero might prefer to ‘tower over’ his opponents to make them feel inferior, or maybe he smokes when he’s stressed.

Types of body language include:

Screwing up nose

Twisting hands in lap

Flicking hair over shoulder

Getting into someone’s personal space

Cracking neck

Scratching nose

Scratching hair

Running fingers through hair

Coughing when stressed

Clearing throat

Licking lips

Looking toward ground, rather than having eye contact

Stance may also make a difference to your character’s body language. For instance, they may:

Sit on a desk to eliminate the ‘power stance’

Stand over someone to portray power

Slouch in defeat

Place hands on hips to portray power

Get close to someone’s face (known as being in another person’s personal space)

Look also toward facial gestures for body language. Eyes can tell a lot too; a person may be smiling at the mouth, but not at the eyes. Have you ever heard the expression ‘a smile that goes all the way to his eyes’? It is very true. Next time someone smiles at you, take special notice of their eyes. If they are genuinely happy, you’ll see it in their eyes. If it is a false smile, the area surrounding their eyes will not change at all.

Your characters can have a number of stress triggers or involuntary movements that tell your reader how they are feeling or what they are thinking. This also helps in establishing your character in dialogue rather than using tags all the time.

Here are a couple of websites I’ve recently discovered, which will help you learn more about body language:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/bodyl.html

http://www.bodylanguagetraining.com/

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I observed an almost surreal event when I was a business student.

At the front of the classroom, an entrepreneur was practicing a pitch he would make later to venture capital firms. Specifically, he was talking about a technology his firm had developed, a respirator which had the potential to save the lives of many infants.

When he talked about the potentially great financial returns, the audience, made up of business students, sat back passively. But when he talked about getting babies through critical moments with his respirators, every single person in the classroom sat up, alert and fully focused.

As he went back and forth between stories of saving babies and talking about financial results, almost every student in the classroom moved with him. And what’s more, it seemed the students’ unconscious body movements had been carefully choreographed.

We sat up together when the entrepreneur talked about saving babies, and we sat back in unison when he discussed the numbers. And, by the way, I did it too until I become aware of how we were responding as a group.

Since that event I’ve been a firm believer in body language, which is the idea that people unconsciously show what they’re feeling or thinking through gestures or body movements.

As you know, the art of interpreting body language is hardly a science. But, we do know a few basics that can help us read the emotions of others. A few examples follow.

Crossed arms, as almost every salesperson knows, means the person on the other side of the table is defensive or not receptive. On the other hand, if that person leans forward and keeps his or her eyes on you, then you do have a receptive listener.

If you watch novice speakers, you’ll probably notice how they keep their arms close to their bodies, indicating a lack of confidence. As they get more practice speaking in public, you’ll see their arms move away from their sides and become active tools for conveying messages.

Arms wide open indicate trust and openness, as do open hands, while arms held high above the head show a sense of victory, and clenched hands indicate anger.

Curiously, one of the most difficult interpretations of body language involves lying. Researchers have probably spent more time on this aspect of body language than any other. And their conclusions? The only surefire way to know if another person is lying is to observe very small and fast wrinklings of the brow.

If you haven’t yet spent much time studying body language, I recommend that you add it to your to-do list for communication development. It’s invaluable not only for speaking and listening, but also for negotiating and leading.